UNFILTERED

I am not mad at you.. you have just hurt me in innumerous different ways that it has now become difficult for me to trust you when you say anything to me. I still do not understand what I want to do. You saying you miss me or you want to hug me all feel like a lie because you say these thing to people you care about and if you cared about me why would you hurt me so much? I always let go of things because I think it is my fault, because I couldn't love you. But how long do I let things go like this? There will never be an end to this. I know that we cannot ignore each other, but please don't expect me to be like we were before. I meant it when I said that you and I are not best friends anymore because best friends are not like this... It is also true that I kind of knew that we weren't best friends but I kept denying that fact. For me, being in denial was better than accepting that I have lost you. But now, I am not going to be scared of it, I am not going to be scared of l...

I desperately want to feel good I want to go out My mental health is deteriorating I break down often Sometimes my chest hurt so much that i think I might die of the pain I don't feel like talking to a friend I'm tired of being misunderstood 

I have to pretend that people care about me. Because I do. I care a lot ; and even the thought of them not giving a fuck about me in reality, tears me apart.

Do you know what it feels like to have lived your life for someone else just for them to later ask why?

 Listen to me, you are not wrong. It's just that you are not right either. -Life

 There's a very thin line between being selfish and claiming that you are being unfairly treated . Read that again.

"You've changed so much lately. You used to be very lively and fun" ~ I haven't changed at all. I just dropped the pretense 

 Did you ever feel happy about some people leaving you because deep down you knew that them being there would have caused you more pain than the pain of letting them go?

 Dear Mom and Dad, I know you both are quite busy these days; i miss you. You are right here but it feels like you are somewhere far away living peacefully and getting on with your life with no clue whatsoever of how i am. I wish you knew how i feel these days, i wish you asked. I am struggling with everything. Struggling with grades, struggling with friends, struggling with keeping up with my assignments. I am struggling with life. I wish you came to me and asked how felt; i swear i'd cry if you did that. I wish you asked me why i read so many books rather than asking why i kept buying books and don't I have other things to do? i do, i have a lot to do, but I, at the same time don't want to be in this world and feel this loneliness. Books help me with that. it helps me go on; it drives away the sadness and whatever it is that I feel these days, away. I wish you checked on me too sometimes other than just worrying about my little brother and his life and his grades. I wish ...

 I don't know who is reading this, geez, i don't even know if anyone is ever gonna read it. I just wanted to say that I feel awful; and it is so sad that i have no one to tell how awful i feel right now. i want to cry so hard and so bad; but there is no one around, no one to see that i am sad, that i am crying my heart out. all i can do is, cry in the shower and let my tears flow with the water or cry right into my pillow and cage my sobs within it. at the end of the day there is only me who has to console myself. tell myself that it is all going to be alright. tell myself, that i am strong and should know and act like one.

Sometimes I wonder what our life without instruments would be like. Music makes everything alive and the fact that instruments produce those magical tunes is something utterly ethereal. The ability to transform air and soul around it, take people to a land they wish to never return from. Instruments and music complete this world in a way; there is no world without the world of music.

 Its weird how i feel free to write what i want on my blog page but when it comes to talk to someone about something or address things that really need to be addressed, the ocean of words in my head cease to exist. its maybe because i am aware that no one would ever be reading my thoughts here as compared to the words spoken which is left for everyone to hear and interpret (or maybe even misinterpret). being able to articulate your feelings in spoken words rather than written words is a talent, only a few possess, and i have immense respect for people who are capable of that. that kind of people, you can have a wonderful day today and days following today thinking that there is a girl typing up her complete and utter jealousy for you.

If only we made life less complicated 

 We think so much when we are an adult. We think about things we should think about, we think about things we shouldn't think about; we also think about what to think next. They were wrong when they said life is difficult when you are an adult. It's us who become difficult.

Do you ever feel like no one will ever choose you over someone else? like no matter how much you love someone, care for someone but at the end of the day they will find someone else or some other reason to not choose you. Its difficult to love without ever knowing what being loved feels like. You love without purpose, without reason. It does sound pure because you don't care if the person loves you back; you just love them without expecting anything in return but that doesn't take you anywhere. You are just stuck with everything blurred around you. You can neither move forward nor backward. Who would have thought that not being loved can be a loneliness you cannot get out of.

 Hey everyone,  this is my first time blogging. Although I've blogged my life in a bunch of different ways, this platform is kinda new to me. i do not really know what i am planning to do to how this is going to go but i am ready to take this leap anyways. this is not about me though. it is about the things that goes on inside my mind struggling to get out and make itself known. i hope you guys like it and let me know what you think Love, M